Dear Child,
Six years.
It’s funny how six years can seem like a long time but when something happened six years ago that completely changed your life, it can also feel like it was as close as yesterday.
I had no idea when I woke up that morning it would be the last day I would have my mom here with me, or the last time you would see your grandma. So many memories of that day are burned forever in my mind, from having been replayed over and over again as I struggled to understand how everything could be so normal the day before and so completely upended by the next morning.
I’ve often said the only people who can truly understand the pain of losing a mother are people who have also experienced it. It felt like I now belonged to a club I never wanted to join. It’s hard to describe the void that suddenly exists – it’s like a part of you is missing and no matter what you do, that hollowness will never fill. I think you just learn to live with a piece of emptiness in your heart.
Looking back, though, I have many reasons to be thankful during that time.
I am thankful that when I left Grandma’s hospital room on Thursday night, she gave me a big hug and told me she loved me. I will always be grateful that those were her last words to me.
I’m thankful that I brought both of you to the hospital on Thursday to visit.
I am thankful that when I called Aunt Nancy from the hospital Friday morning and immediately fell apart on the phone, barely whispering, “Please come.” that she instantly responded with “We’ll be right there.”
I am thankful for Grandma’s brothers and sisters who came to the hospital, to Grandma’s friend Rose Marie who came and prayed with us and to Father Brian who was also there.
Leaving the hospital that day was extremely hard and I was so thankful that your Nana and Aunt Lisa came over to our house right away.
I will always be grateful for the outpouring of support from friends and family who stopped by our house with food and cards as well as everyone who attended the funeral and packed St. Ann’s Church in Merrickville. I know I wasn’t much for socializing at the lunch we had after, but I still remember the people who attended and appreciate their kindness so much.
Time gives us a perspective that nothing else will, so looking back now, I am most grateful that I had the opportunity to watch Grandma for so many years and learn what it means to be a devoted and loving mother. And when you were born, Cassie, I watched her become an enthusiastic and dedicated grandmother as well. She loved every minute of her time with you both and if she wasn’t at our house visiting or looking after you, then she was calling to see how you were doing.
I remember calling her one afternoon when you, Cassie, were learning to walk and you were getting so close to taking a few steps on your own. I said, “She’s trying so hard! I think her first steps could happen any minute,” and Grandma said, “I’ll be right there.” She arrived fifteen minutes later and we spent the rest of the afternoon watching you hold your little push toy as you walked back and forth between us.
I remember being fortunate enough to be there when Aunt Melissa shared the news that she was having twins with Grandma. And instead of spoiling just two grandchildren after that, she got to spoil four. And we watched her love every minute of it.
There was never any question that her world revolved around all of us.
I remember one afternoon, though, when I walked out onto the deck and found Grandma sitting at the table with her morning coffee and I could tell she had been crying. When I asked her what was wrong, she said that she had been thinking about her mom. I remembered how hard it was for everyone when Great Grandma had passed away. She was the sweetest and kindest soul. But six years later, I didn’t cry over her anymore, instead my heart filled with love when I remembered her.
And now, six years after Grandma passed away, I completely understand.
The thing was, I couldn’t understand back then. I wasn’t in the club yet.
I know that Grandma watches over you both every day. Cassie – I know she would be so incredibly proud of you for your strength and determination in completing your nursing degree. And Colton – she would be so impressed with your ability to fix and rebuild anything you set your mind to, and also, of course, she would love to see that you grew so much taller than Cassie. 😀
You were both so lucky to have experienced her love for so long and for that, I will always be thankful.
Love Mom
xoxo
