faith – Dear Child

Dear Child,

I was out of sorts.

I didn’t know why, but for over a week, I just hadn’t felt like myself.

Then the reason popped into my head.

Ten years.

Ten. Years.

TEN YEARS.

This August 15^th marked the ten-year anniversary of Grandma’s passing.

Ten years without the person who loved us all the most.

Ten years without the grandmother who would listen to your stories for hours, who thought everything you did was incredible and who either called or saw you every day for your entire life.

Ten years without the mother who thought most of my ideas were crazy but who supported me anyway, who I knew I could count on to help me whenever I asked, and whose unconditional love for me I never doubted for a second.

Ten years without daily phone calls, chats over coffee, or having her attend every single event in our lives from birthdays to school functions to karate gradings to recitals.

Ten years without our mother and grandmother…our constant…our rock.

How in the world has it been ten years?

In the tumultuous world of grieving, I still think about her every day. I still wish she would call. I still wish she was here for every birthday party and holiday. I still cry if I let myself dwell for too long on all the incredible things she’s missed.

I heard the song “Alive and Breathing” for the first time at our dance recital two years ago and one line resonated with me so thoroughly that I still think about it all the time. It said “Hope still walks with the hurting.”

Four days after Grandma’s passing, with tears still a constant threat, we welcomed your baby sister into the world and Alyssa became our beacon of hope. Hope for more love, hope for more joy to come, hope for laughter to fill our house once again.

Though our eyes were still filled with tears, our lips smiled, and we praised the Lord for blessing us with this tiny miracle to help mend our broken hearts. We ached knowing she would never know Grandma’s love, but we promised each other she would know how much Grandma already loved her, before she was even born.

Ten years later and Grandma’s name is still spoken often throughout our house. “Grandma would have said this…” and “Grandma would have loved this…” and of course “Grandma would have been so proud of you.”

We are still hurting. The pain of missing someone so crucial in our lives will never go away. Grief never ends, it only changes over time – moving from a searing, stabbing pain to a duller ache that will equally bring you to tears should you focus on it.

“Hope still walks with the hurting.”

We move forward.

We move forward with the questions we wished we’d asked, the pictures and videos we wished we’d taken (despite her protests!), and the memories we cherish.

We thank the Lord for the time she spent here on Earth. We thank Him for giving us the most loving and devoted mother and grandmother.

Her love lives on in my devotion to you. I am the mother I am because of her love for me. And one day, when you are blessed with children of your own, you will carry on this pattern of love and devotion.

In everything, we praise the Lord.

We praise Him for our countless blessings – for the love we shared, for the memories we have, and for the people we’ve become because of her.

Love, Mom.

xoxo

Dear Child,

A couple years ago the Manager position for my team at work became available and I wanted it. As the Supervisor directly below this position, I knew I was capable and my work was respected. I applied for the position.

I didn’t have all of the qualifications they were looking for, though, since our company was in the midst of growing globally and my experience was limited to Canada. I told the Director, to whom I was now reporting since the Manager position was vacant, that I was interested in the position, and that I would learn everything I needed in order to do the job.

Interviews were conducted and the company decided to go with someone who had more experience than me. I still remember being called into the Director’s office as she broke the news to me. I told her I would be more than happy to learn everything I could from the person they selected.

But inside, I was extremely disappointed.

I knew I could do the job. In fact, I had been doing the job for a long time since the previous manager had passed many of her responsibilities on to me. I knew it would be hard to have someone new come in and take the position I desperately wanted, but I also knew that I should keep an open mind and be respectful.

In working through my disappointment, I began to re-evaluate my life and my priorities. I had put a lot of stock into getting this job, and with that gone now, I felt a little bit lost.

For most of my life, I had volunteered. When I was thirteen years old, I volunteered at the local hospital. And then at sixteen, I taught Children’s Liturgy for my Church and also served on the Parish Council. As an adult, I volunteered at the school in both your and Colton’s classrooms, I was on the Parent Council and again taught Children’s Liturgy for the Church.

But now, I wasn’t volunteering anywhere.

I realized that my priorities had become skewed, and I had selfishly been concentrating on only my own needs, instead of following what the Bible tells us – that by helping others, all of your own needs will be taken care of.

I felt I needed to take the emphasis off of my work and move it onto my life.

I made the decision to help anywhere I could find an opportunity.

I didn’t have to look any further than our Church bulletin. I’d noticed a posting to help with the record keeping for the Church’s Cemetery in the bulletin for a few months now. Taking this as a sign, I called and inquired if the position was still available. It was, and the person who was currently doing this role lived on my road. We got together to talk about the responsibility, and I agreed to take this on.

After that, I signed up for everything. Within a month, I had added teaching Children’s Liturgy, volunteering at the Breakfast Club at the school and organizing the Warm Woolies program for the Society of St. Vincent de Paul, whereby I delivered hand knitted hats and mitts to the local schools.

I met so many wonderful people, and the experiences enriched my life in so many ways. For one, I had been going to this Church for a few years now, but hadn’t really made any friends. Now I knew so many people. Same thing for the school. The world was opening up to me simply because I had offered to help.

I had asked God to help me find my path and not only had He presented these opportunities to me, but He continued to bless me in so many other ways as well.

Three months later, I was once again called into the Director’s office. The new manager they had hired wasn’t working out and had just quit.

I will never forget the words she said next:

“I made a mistake. I should have offered you the job in the first place.”

I smiled.

God’s perfect plans are always so easy to see in hindsight. I knew this had happened exactly as it should have. If I hadn’t been turned down, I would never have re-evaluated my life, I would not have asked God to provide me with opportunities to volunteer, or met any of the wonderful people I now call good friends.

Sometimes the best thing God does for us, is NOT answer our prayers. And it’s always because He has something better in store for us.

Relax, and trust God that everything will work out as it should.

Love Mom

xoxo

Tag: faith

Ten Years

Re-Evaluating Priorities