Author: dearchild2019

Almost Three Years Old

Posted on by dearchild2019

Dear Child,                                         

It’s hard to believe that in a month’s time, we’ll be celebrating your third birthday.

On the day you turned two, I remember watching you run everywhere, chatting like crazy and just being your silly, smiley self.  As the last of four children, I wasn’t sure what to expect with you but you’ve always been your own little person, doing things your own way.

Typical two year old, LOL

I know you’ll never fully understand exactly how much you are loved, or how desperately you were wanted.  You see, there was a time when I didn’t think we’d ever have you.  It took longer than expected to get pregnant, but looking back, I can see now how perfect your timing was.  God had a much better plan than I did.

But it was not an easy pregnancy.  My iron was impossibly low and I needed iron infusions this time (that was new for me), I suffered from restless leg syndrome (again a new side effect!) and everything took way more energy than I had.  And I had the craziest appetite! I was so hungry, all day long, for the whole nine months.  Throw in a fainting spell at work one day and you’ve got a pregnancy I’ll never forget.

The night before you were born.

When we found out you were a boy – after 50 calls to the doctor’s office to see if they had the results yet, and then to find out that the results were inconclusive…to having another ultrasound and finally getting confirmation – we were thrilled.  Daddy chose your name and we waited somewhat patiently for your arrival.

We ended up going to the hospital in the evening of Aug 11.  I had had contractions continuously for 6 hours that were then between 2-3 minutes apart.  It didn’t feel like real labour but we didn’t want to take any chances.  The contractions slowed down once we were at the hospital and around 3am, they stopped completely.  They released us and we headed home around 5am, totally exhausted.  Nanny had spent the night with Alyssa and stayed a few extra hours so we could get some sleep.  Once we got up, we spent a great day together, hanging out and doing a little shopping.

I was amazed that after so little sleep, we still didn’t feel tired enough to go to bed super early.  I think knowing that you would soon arrive had made us excited.  It was around 9pm that we got into bed.  It took a few minutes to find a comfortable position and almost as soon as I did, I immediately jumped back out of bed.

 “What’s going on?” Daddy asked.

“My water just broke!”  I exclaimed.

We immediately sprung into action.  My previous labours had gone quickly so getting to the hospital right away was important.  We both grabbed our phones.  I called Colton (who was in town having coffee with friends) and asked him to hurry home to stay with Alyssa for a bit while Daddy called Nanny so she could come and stay overnight again.  They were already on high alert knowing that you could come anytime.  Especially since Colton and Alyssa had both been born on their due date and your due date was only a few hours away.  A planner like myself sure loves those punctual babies! 

Colton got home quickly and off we went.

You were born at 1:30am.  I remember you crying immediately and the doctor saying, “Well, that’s a good sign!” and the nurses putting you right on my chest.  My heart was so full.  I was so happy to be holding you finally!  I covered your adorable little head with kisses and I couldn’t stop telling you how much I loved you. 

Daddy holding you about 30 minutes after you were born.

Daddy held you for a little while and I took some pictures.  He gave you back to me to nurse and we chatted about how absolutely perfect you were.  Now, by this time we had been up for almost two days with only a few hours of sleep.  Exhilaration and anticipation had kept us awake.

The nurse popped in to check on us again and said she would be right back with the scale so we could see how much you weighed. 

“Do you want to guess how big he is?” I asked Daddy as I nuzzled your soft, little cheek.

When Daddy didn’t answer, I turned to see what he was doing. 

“Zzzzzz.  Zzzzzzzz.”

Ah, of course.  Now that you were here, the anticipation had turned to relief and then exhaustion. 

Cassie sharing the news with the world.

Unfortunately for me, the exhilaration took a few more hours to wear off so sleep continued to elude me.  But that was fine.  I had a brand new baby in my arms and my family was complete.  A few hours by myself to reflect and thank God for all of the blessings in my life sounded perfect.

And then suddenly, it was two years later and I still loved holding you in my arms and kissing your soft, round cheeks.  I loved your adorable voice and sweet smile and the way your face lit up when you saw Alyssa.  You are her best friend and she would “fluff” (as she calls it) your cheeks all day long, if we let her. 

And now here you are, almost three years old.  Every morning when you call me, I go into your room and sit down on your big boy bed and you climb into my arms and give me the most wonderful hugs.

You love being silly, running “super speed”, singing songs and telling funny jokes.  And copying Alyssa.  Thank goodness she is a good sport about that, because you pretty much always think what she is doing is awesome and you should be doing it too. 

You were made to complete our family and give us balance.  You captured our hearts immediately and we couldn’t imagine our family without you.  And when you wrap your little arms around my neck and cuddle into me as I rock you on the glider in your room, I feel a peace that can only come from one of God’s special gifts.

You are everything I ever dreamed you’d be, and more.

Love Mommy

Xoxo

A Special Rock

Posted on by dearchild2019

Dear Child,

We had no idea when March Break started this year, that you would not be going back to senior kindergarten.  We participated as much as we could with online learning by uploading pictures of your various projects and assignments.  Keenan helped too and most likely learned quite a bit despite thinking he was only playing.   One assignment you particularly liked at Easter was finding items from around our house that represented Jesus’s death and resurrection.

You happily gathered a branch, a cross, some bread and a coin but you had difficulty coming up with a rock that would be like the boulder that blocked the entrance to the tomb.  As you dug through various rocks that you and your little brother had collected, nothing looked right to you.

I looked through your collection and agreed.  But then I thought of a rock that I knew would be perfect.

“I have a rock you could use.  But you’ll have to give it back after, as it’s very special to me.” I told you.

You agreed and I went and retrieved it from my bedroom.

Turning the rock over in your hands, you looked it over. “Doesn’t look very special to me,” you said.

I smiled.  It’s funny how something so plain can represent so much of your heart.

The darkest time of my life occurred almost six years ago when my mom passed away unexpectedly four days before you were born. 

I strongly believe that God has a plan for each one of us and I know that the timing of your birth was important to our family as it helped by giving us a small glimmer of hope in a world that had suddenly become so empty.

You were baptized on Sept 28.  When Father Brian suggested this date, I wasn’t sure.  This was my mom’s birthday.  But once again, it seemed like this might be God’s plan.  And it turned out to be exactly that.  In reading through the Church bulletin that I brought home as a memento of your baptism day, I came across an invitation that I know God had placed in front of me.

It was a notice of a grief group starting up the following week.

God had presented the answer I needed, it was up to me to take the next step.

I emailed to inquire about joining the group and asked if it would be okay if I brought along my 5 week old baby.  Luckily, they welcomed us with open arms.

Every Wednesday morning for the next few months, I held you in my arms as I sat at the table with 6 other people who had lost various loved ones while we prayed, made our way through workbooks and shared stories about the people we’d lost. 

I’m not going to lie.  At first, it was really hard.  I cried through the entire first meeting.

You see, the thing about losing a loved one, is that in the beginning, people rally around you with all of the love and support you need, but that slowly stops as you are expected to resume your regular life.  The problem with that is your regular life is gone forever and adapting to this new life is really, really hard.

Days were often filled with distractions and I tried to stay busy to keep from focusing on what I’d lost but the nights were the worst.  You would wake up every two hours to nurse and I would sit in the rocking chair with you while grief overwhelmed me.  I never felt angry over the injustice of losing my mom so quickly and without warning, I was just sad.  Every day I missed her more and nothing was ever going to change that.

One Wednesday, the leader of our grief group laid out various rocks in the center of the table.  I can’t remember where Jane said she had collected them from, but she told us to look them over to see if any felt like they would hold special significance to us.  As soon as I saw this one rock, I knew it was meant to be mine.  One by one, we went around the table and explained why the rock we chose suited us.

When it came to my turn, Jane immediately said she knew I would choose this rock.  With tears streaming down my face, I explained that this particular rock looked like the wall I was up against every day.  The grief and sadness I felt seemed insurmountable and just like climbing the flat face of a rock would be impossible, it didn’t feel like I could ever climb over to that place where sadness might be replaced by a thankfulness for the memories I have.

You see, I was one of the lucky ones.  I grew up confident in the fact that not only did my mom love me, but I knew wholeheartedly that she would stand toe to toe with the devil, without blinking an eye, to do all she had to in order to protect me.  She might not have agreed with every decision I made, but I knew I could always count on her to be by my side in a moment’s notice if I needed her.  It is much easier to be brave in life when you know that your safety net is that solid.

I was often told by kind-hearted friends that my mom is still with me and I firmly believe that.  In fact, this is why I rarely visit the cemetery where she is buried – I don’t feel her there.   I feel her with me when I’m rocking Keenan in my arms or cuddling with you when we are reading together.  I feel her with me when Cassie and I are chatting or when Colton is telling me something about engines that we both know I’m not understanding.  I feel her with me always.  And that’s wonderful.  But it will never be enough.

I want one more conversation.  One more hug.  One more chance to sit next to her outside while we drink our morning coffee.

Every Wednesday, I continued to attend my grief group.  I realized that even though I might cry telling stories about my mom, I needed to tell those stories.  Week by week, story by story, I was doing it.  And eventually I made it through an entire session without crying.  Progress.

A book given to me by one of the members of the group – I highly recommend this book.

I learned so much by listening to others tell their stories as well.  I honestly believe that the hardest thing we experience in life is losing someone we love and these meetings helped me in so many ways.

So yes, sweetheart, that rock doesn’t look like much.  But to me, it represents the salvation I found in a small group of caring individuals who listened to a broken-hearted girl talk about her mom.

The completed Easter project.

I’ll always wish she could have held you even just one time, sweetie, but I rest easy knowing that she’s been watching over you every day since you were born.

Thank you for being my special gift of hope and love.

Love Mommy

xoxo

Cassie’s Gift

Posted on by dearchild2019

                                                                                                                                 

Dear Child,

There have been many times in your life when I’ve been proud of you.  Proud of your accomplishments, proud of the way you’ve handled certain situations and proud of the woman you’ve become.  I’ve always been inspired by your empathy, your compassion and your sense of humour.  I haven’t always understood some of the crazy things you’ve done (practicing the splits in the middle of your brother’s hockey dressing room, for example) but I’ve always admired your dedication to being your own true self.

Some of my favourite memories, however, have come from times where other people have realized your talents as well.

Cassie

I knew singing was one of the most beautiful gifts God gave you from the time you could barely speak.  When you were not even two years old, you would walk around our house singing songs from The Little Mermaid.  You didn’t understand some of the words so you made up sounds for the unfamiliar parts but the tune was always bang on.  Over the years, I’ve listened to your voice grow and I’ve loved every minute of it.

Finally, in Grade 12, you started sharing your gift with the world.  At the culmination of your guitar class, you sang for your own project as well as for many others in your class.  I wish so much that I’d recorded that evening.  I had no idea you would be singing – I thought we were there just to listen to you play the guitar.  We had brought Alyssa with us so we grabbed a couple seats at the back in case she started to cry and we wanted to whisk her out of the room.  Sitting there, I watched as you took your place on the stool and adjusted the microphone in front of you.  Excitedly, I sat a little straighter in my chair.  As your voice filled the room, I closed my eyes and smiled.  As much as I loved hearing you belt out tunes from our wonderfully acoustical bathroom at home, your voice sounded so much better here, with a microphone.  Parents I’d known for the last 14 years of your schooling were turning around to look at me.  One looked especially shocked and whispered “That voice!” I smiled and nodded. 

When you and three friends from your vocal class put together a band, I was obviously your biggest fan.  And when your band, Inverted Seven, entered a music contest held at a local restaurant, I called Aunt Lisa to see if she would go with me.  There were many bands entered, from other local high schools. Aunt Lisa worked at the other high school in our town so she knew some of the teachers there.  She also pointed out the music teacher from her school.  He looked like a really nice guy.  I could see him giving pointers to the students from his school.  The students listened eagerly to his advice.

Inverted Seven – Stewart Park Festival

The evening progressed and the other bands were good.  I enjoyed hanging out, waiting for your turn. 

Finally, it was time.  Your band was the last to play and I nervously watched you place your water bottle on the edge of the keyboard and take your place between Millar and Isaiah.  The first three songs were catchy and played well but you sang only backup.  I really wasn’t sure what your chances were to win since the other bands had played well too.  Finally, the song I’d been waiting for.  As your voice filled the room, low at first, more people came to the back of the restaurant to watch.  I had to stand up in order to see past the crowd that was gathering and I found a place next to a post where I had a better view.  I stood there watching with a big smile on my face as you captivated the crowd.  The music teacher from the other school walked up and stood beside me.  When you hit the chorus and the song finally took advantage of the amazing range of your voice, my smile got wider.  “Wow,” came the voice from the teacher beside me, “that girl can sing.” 

Beaming, I turned to him and said some of my most favourite words:

“That’s my daughter.”

That night will always be a special memory for me.  I got to watch a restaurant full of people appreciate your gift, I got to spend the evening with Aunt Lisa (who has always been one of my favourite people) and I got to watch you and your friends celebrate when your band was chosen as the winner.

Thank you, sweetheart, for being brave enough to share your gift with the world.

Love Mom

xoxo

Working from Home

Posted on by dearchild2019

Dear Child,

During the COVID pandemic I was fortunate to be able to work from home.  However, my job keeps me extremely busy so looking after you and your sister while I was working would have made for crazy days.  Luckily, our wonderful caregiver chose to stay open to look after the kids of essential workers.

I know I have it much easier than a lot of my coworkers.  I’m in Zoom meetings every day with people who have kids sitting on their laps or who are constantly being interrupted by little and big kids alike.  One day Daddy even stuck his head into one of my zoom meetings.  I wasn’t very happy about that, but he thought it was quite funny.

Today I had to attend a Zoom meeting that was booked for 4:30pm, half an hour after I pick you up every day. 

But I had a plan. 

You and Alyssa got comfy on the couch as I turned on a show you both agreed was awesome.  Drinks were handed out and snack bowls were filled up.  Then you were both told how important it was that you stayed quiet during Mommy’s meeting.

I clicked on the Zoom meeting invite and hoped for the best.

I should have hoped harder.

You didn’t last five minutes on the couch.  Your drink was gone, your snack was discarded and you were singing.  Loudly.  I kept myself on mute as often as I could, however I was asked a number of questions and needed to explain how I would handle a new policy that was being introduced.  At this time, you chose to play underneath my desk and try on my shoes.  While telling me you were playing under my desk and trying on my shoes.  Thankfully, one meeting attendee laughed and said Aw.

Quick break while someone else is talking to refill Alyssa’s snack bowl and remind you how important it is that you stay quiet.  Back to my meeting to answer another question.  Now you’ve decided to drag your jungle set out of the basket I had placed by the stairs in the hope of returning it to the playroom downstairs.  It hits the floor.  Hard.

Making sure I am still on mute, I beg you to stop talking.  For just a few more minutes.  Pleeease.

You tell me you aren’t talking.  I decide I hate Zoom meetings now.

My face is almost pushed into my laptop so I can hear what is being said.  It is super important that this policy is set up properly as I handle the final stages and I can’t risk not hearing the plan.

Oops, someone is asking me another question.  I click the button to unmute myself as your jungle animals stomp their way down the keys of the piano. 

Bad timing for a jungle parade

I shake my head.  Why am I the only one with kids in this meeting?

Forty minutes later, I still have questions but someone has to go so it’s suggested that we end the meeting and reconvene at another time.  I don’t even care anymore.

I click on the button to leave the meeting and exhale in defeat.

I walk into the living room and collapse onto the chair.  Dinner can probably wait a few more minutes.  You climb up and squeeze in next to me. 

“You were supposed to be quiet during Mommy’s meeting, remember?” I ask as I wrap my arm around you and run my fingers through your messy hair.

“I was quiet.” you tell me.

“No, sweetie, you were definitely not quiet.” I sigh.

You crawl onto my lap and sit facing me.  Then you place both of your little hands on my cheeks while resting your nose against mine.

“But I love you!” you tell me in your sweet voice.

I smile and pull you in closer.  “I love you too, sweetheart.”

You wrap your arms around my neck and hug me tightly.  These hugs are my favourite.

So my plan failed miserably and the meeting didn’t go like I’d hoped.  I’ll send an email tomorrow to summarize my thoughts and ask my remaining questions.  It’s not the end of the world.

And maybe it’s like Cassie suggested – when you book a meeting time with me outside of my clearly defined working hours, you need to be prepared for a jungle recital.

As I make dinner, I think about how lucky I am.  I think about how wonderful it is to have a two year old to cuddle and hug and how absolutely wonderful it feels when you tell me you love me and squeeze your little arms around my neck.  I think about how quickly time flew by with Cassie and Colton and how I don’t want to wish even a minute of this time with you away.

Then I think about how quiet it is.

I slip down the hall to see what you are doing.

I find you playing quietly on the floor of your room with your Paw Patrol toys. 

Of course you are.

I love you, my unpredictable little sweetie pie.

Love Mommy

xoxo

Make-Over

Posted on by dearchild2019

                                                                                                                                                 

Dear Child,

It was the perfect day for a make-over. 

It was a lazy, stay at home afternoon due to the freezing rain that had started and was expected to continue for the duration of the weekend and our plan was to hang out downstairs, watch movies, read and work on a puzzle.  Family time at its absolute best.

Daddy fell asleep on the couch due to his late hockey game last night.  Your five year old wonderful self immediately thought to cover him with a blanket, despite that Daddy runs hot all the time and the pellet stove had made the room super warm and cozy.  The stuffed animals you tucked in beside him were a lovely touch and I really liked the sticker you added to his cheek.  Excellent choices.  I did say no to the second blanket, though, no matter how much more cozy you thought that would be. 😊

You sat looking at me for a moment and then said “I could do your hair!  Maybe a bun or some nice braids?”  I had just started a new book but thought sure, I could have my hair done while I read.  Off you went to gather supplies.  Once back, you gave me a new hairstyle of pigtails (a look I don’t think I’d ever been able to pull off) and a full face of make-up.  And when I say full-face, I really mean full-face.  After having completed my eyes and cheeks you decided the gold colour in your eye shadow palette must be used and so you coloured my whole face gold.  Truly a princess look.  A few stickers on my face and I was nearly done.

“Your lips!  I’ll go find something for your lips!” and off you raced again.  When you came back this time, you were holding a purple grape-flavoured lipstick.

“It didn’t have the lid on it when I found it, but that’s okay.” You said.

I was just about to ask to look at it before you used it, but you’d already climbed up on the couch beside me.  You were using one hand to hold my head (I think this was more for your own balance than to make sure I held still) and you were applying the lipstick with intense concentration.

Even as I felt for sure that there was either dirt or a hair in the lipstick that was being spread so very carefully on my mouth, I didn’t say a word.  I simply couldn’t do anything except stare at your beautiful little face.  Gratefulness filled my heart when I thought about how lucky I am to have such an incredible little human being who was trying her hardest to do the best job ever on my make-up, and who was staring at me with such unconditional love.  And who’s needs are so simple to fulfill. 

Who knew that such grace and love would be found on a rainy afternoon with a palette of eyeshadow and a tube of grape-flavoured lipstick. 

I love you so very much, sweet girl.  Thank you for all that you are.

Love, Mommy.

Xoxo

Big Boy Bed

Posted on by dearchild2019

Dear Child,

We had a big day planned.  It was the day we were taking down your crib. 

It is always a bittersweet moment – when we finally admit that you are more of a big boy than a baby.  Relinquishing the safety of the crib for the possibility of you climbing out of bed in the night.  Once again, I struggled with wanting to keep you safe while also wanting you to establish some independence.  I can’t keep you as my baby forever.

The decision to move you to a bed now was also done because we wanted to give your crib to Cassie’s best friend, who would be using it for her own sweet baby in two month’s time.  Luckily, she was having a little boy so we were able to pass on your adorable jungle theme crib set as well.

You weren’t upset at all to see your crib taken apart or being carried downstairs, you were super excited about getting a big boy bed.  You crawled up on it as soon as it was put together.  You looked so small, but the smile on your face was huge.

Another milestone reached.

I explained how important it was that you stayed in your bed, always.  And you seemed to understand the seriousness of the situation.  We’ll see how that goes. 

But for now, you are the epitome of adorableness: curled up under your blankets, closing your eyes but never dropping that smile. 

Sleep well, sweetheart.

Love Mommy.

Xoxo

Starting Over

Posted on by dearchild2019

                                                                                                                                                                     

Dear Child,

Starting over is never easy.

And starting over in a new school with new teachers and new parents can be tricky, especially when it always brings up memories of better times.

I was excited for Alyssa to start school.  I was looking forward to going to parent-teacher interviews, helping out on field trips again and volunteering on the parent council.  But once all of that started, there was one prevailing feeling that just wouldn’t go away.  I was sad.

I couldn’t shake the grief I was experiencing over you and your brother having completed school.  So many memories would flood my mind.  We had such amazing years at St. John’s Elementary and Secondary school.  You both had great friends, wonderful teachers and so many awesome experiences.  You both graduated with many of the same kids you went to kindergarten with.  I was on the parent council for years and volunteered in countless other ways at the school.  We knew everyone.  We belonged.

Now I’m facing a new school with Alyssa.  Brand new teachers.  Brand new parents. 

I know that eventually this will feel like home.  I know that with a little effort and a little time, I will make friends with other parents and feel more comfortable here, but for now, it just makes me miss what we had.

I cherish those memories, but I’m sorry to see that part of our life be over.

One of my favourite quotes comes from the series finale of The Office when Andy says “I wish there was a way to know you’re in “the good old days”, before you’ve actually left them.”  That’s how I feel.

I hope you always look back on your days at St. John’s with happiness and Colton, that you remember the teachers you drove crazy and how they all eventually loved you, and that you both remember all of the fun times we had there together.  These might, one day, be just the memories from your childhood, but for me, these were some of the best days of my life.

Love Mom

xoxo

Planning for the Future

Posted on by dearchild2019

Dear Child,

There’s been a lot of decisions that I’ve second guessed in my life but deciding to be a mom is the one decision I never regretted.  Not for one second.

When I was in high school, the possibilities for my future seemed boundless.  However, I always leaned towards a career in teaching or something in business.  Owning my own business was one of my favourite ideas to dream about, but I could never find one business that I was passionate enough about.

After attending Queen’s University on a week-long trip through the enrichment class in middle school, I knew I’d found the university I wanted to one day attend.  Looking back, I’m not really sure why I was so certain that this was the school for me.  I didn’t even look into other schools. My mind was set.  I attended these week-long enrichment programs for one week every year for the next four years, taking classes in Business, Spanish, Music and Movies and each year I was even more convinced that this was the school I wanted to graduate from.

In the summer between Grade 10 and Grade 11, though, my priorities changed as I met the man I would marry only four years later.  My thoughts quickly changed from planning only my future, to planning my family’s future.  I knew this would change my path forever.

I decided to attend college instead of university as I had promised my mom that I wouldn’t get married until I had graduated.  I chose an Accounting program at St. Lawrence College, in the same city as my beloved Queen’s.  I would see the signs pointing in the direction of the university I had been so certain I would attend and felt a pang of regret, but I knew this path was best for me.  I had applied for and was accepted into five different college programs and it’s funny to think back now, but I chose Accounting because this program started in May and the other programs didn’t begin until the fall.  Yes, I was in a hurry to begin my grown-up life.

I fast-tracked the Accounting program by taking additional courses every semester and graduated in a mere fifteen months.  Seven days after my last course ended, I was married.

I had fulfilled my promise to my mom and could now plan for the best part – my first baby.

Of course, time teaches us many things and one thing I’ve learned is that your childhood dreams are not meant to be ignored.  They are formed from passion and longing and are not yet tarnished by adulthood’s practicality and responsibility.  Seven years later, after you and your brother started elementary school, I returned to pursue my dream at Queen’s University.  It took many years of perseverance and determination, but I count this as one of my greatest accomplishments.  The degree that hangs proudly on the wall in our home doesn’t just represent an efficiency in English Literature and Language.  It stands for many things – that it’s never too late to chase a dream;  that if you work hard enough, you will succeed; and that no matter how far you stray from that little girl with the head full of big dreams, she will always be there, waiting for you to return, to pick up from where you left her behind.  Be true to yourself and your passions.  Nothing will ever feel more right.

Love Mom

xoxo

The Accident

Posted on by dearchild2019

Dear Child,

It was the call every parent hopes they never get.  Especially parents of seventeen year old boys who have only had their license for a short time.

“Mom?” the caller asked.  I bolted up in bed when my cell phone rang at 3am, but my groggy brain struggled…it was a girl’s voice, but I knew it wasn’t Cassie…was it a wrong number, hopefully?

“Mom,” she said again, “we were in an accident.”

Noooooooo….my chest tightened as I realized this was no wrong number.  But why was your girlfriend calling?  Why couldn’t you call?  “Where’s Colton? Is he okay?” I asked.  I had already started praying.

“He’s okay.  They think he broke a bone.  We just got to the hospital.  The ambulance brought us.”

“I’ll be right there.”

All you’d ever wanted was your license.  From the time you figured out that’s what was keeping you from being able to drive, turning 16 was all you cared about.  Every birthday I’d say “You’re X years old today!” and you’d moan, “Yeah, but I’m not sixteen.”

Chris worked on a bathroom renovation one winter and the customer gave him a dented BMW in exchange.  His intention was to fix it up and sell it, only there was never any time to devote to this project.  After looking at it sit in our driveway for almost two years, I had an idea.  You were fifteen at the time and you tinkered with anything from RC cars to bicycles to go-carts to lawnmowers.  How awesome would it be if you could spend your time fixing up this car?

You were beyond thrilled hearing this but you wouldn’t let yourself believe it was true until Chris agreed it was a good idea, too.  He knew he’d never find the time to work on that car and agreed that it would be a great project for you. 

You were already working part time on the parts counter at Canadian Tire by now so you had money to invest in fixing your car.  You ordered a door right away.  You spent every hour you weren’t at work or school working on that car.  I saw you encounter problems you’d never heard of before and then spend hours researching before solving each and every issue.  You learned so much.  And you had so much to be proud of. 

When you finally got your license, the car was ready.  Every seventeen year old boy’s dream is to drive their own car and driving one you that had poured your blood and sweat into, made it even sweeter.

Fast forward to two weeks later – the night of the accident.

I set the phone down and grabbed my nearby pair of stretchy capri pants.  I pulled the huge elastic waistband over my eight and a half month pregnant belly with shaking hands.  “I’ll text you when I know something.” I told Chris as I tucked my phone into my purse and rushed out into the muggy, dark night.

I’ve thanked God for many things over the years but if you total up every thank you I’ve ever said, you can bet that I matched that number on my drive to town.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you,” I repeated over and over again, “Thank you, God, for not taking my son from me.”

The 20 minute drive took forever.  Until I could lay my eyes on you and see for myself that you were okay, the pit of anxiety that had found its home in my chest would not go away.

I ran into emerg, barely stopping by registration, only saying “My son’s in there.” as I hurried by.  The woman nodded.

I found you laying on a hospital bed.  Your face was filthy and your hair was filled with dirt.   I tried to shake some of the grit from your hair but there was just too much.  My baby.  I forced back tears.

You looked at me with tears in your own eyes, “I wrecked my car.”  I nodded.

Throughout the rest of the night as the doctor and nurses set and casted your broken arm, you moaned about your car.  Over a year’s worth of work gone.  The car had rolled several times before hitting a hydro pole.  You and your girlfriend were lucky to be alive.


I continued to thank God that all you did was break your arm. 

The next few months were hard for you.  Luckily your arm healed quickly but there were many frustrating days as we struggled to tape garbage bags over your cast so you could shower.  You had accepted a position in the garage at Canadian Tire and you were determined to work, despite only having one arm.  Lifting tires was no easy feat with one good arm and one casted one. 

But you did it. 

Your determination was incredible, as it is with anything you put your mind to.

And there’s been many vehicles since then.  Even another BMW almost exactly like the first one.

As for me, I still like it best when your vehicle is parked in our driveway and I know you are at home.  But there’s no fun in that.  So I’ll continue to thank God every night when you come home safe to me.

Love Mom

xoxo

Year End Celebration

Posted on by dearchild2019

Dear Child,

I sat in the auditorium today for your Year End Celebration for your Junior Kindergarten year and as I watched the slideshow put together by your wonderful teachers, tears filled my eyes.

The first adorable pictures shown documented the first day of school, which were quite different than the ones taken just last week on your field trip to the splashpad.  So much knowledge gained over the last year now fills those little eyes.  Knowledge about breakfast club and recess and substitute teachers, knowledge about letter sounds and patterns and shapes like cylinders.  Knowledge that was not there on that scary first day when you nervously rode the school bus for the first time.

As I watched you and your friends up on the screen, I felt the familiar feeling of having been here before.  I remembered many years ago when I watched a similar video for your older sister and brother and then merely blinked and found myself watching another video at their Grade 8 Graduation, followed by another at their High School Graduation. 

I know that 13 years from now, I’ll be sitting in these same rows, with most of the same parents, watching a lot of these same kids cross the stage with you.  Your eyes again will have so much more knowledge, but that smile will always be the same.

Time is such a funny thing.  Days that sometimes seem so long, but years that fly by so quickly.

I know I have a lot of years ahead of me with your childhood but it’s scary to think that one morning I will wake up and find it’s the day of your high school graduation and just like I did at your sister and brother’s graduation, I’ll be sitting in my seat, tears rolling down my face.  These years are so precious and so fun and before I know it, they will be only memories. 

So I’ll take more pictures and write down more stories so that when you are off to college and I’m missing you like crazy, I’ll be able to relive the best moments of my life.

So play with your friends and do your homework, go to your birthday parties and be excited for field trips.  I’ll be there every step of the way, even if there is a bit of sadness to my eyes now that wasn’t there for Cassie and Colton. 

I tell people that having kids so far apart in age has given me perspective more than anything else.  Perspective that makes me not worry about Keenan still not sleeping through the night at almost two years old because I know the important worrying needs to be saved for the seventeen year old who has already totaled one car and still loves to drive all hours of the night.  But perspective has also shown me exactly how fast time goes by.

So, I’ll appreciate every minute of your childhood a little more and I’ll let you wear the crazy clothes that I probably told Cassie not to wear.  And I’ll let you invite the 20 kids you want to your birthday party because I know, it’s not really that big a deal.

When it’s all said and done, the memories we make now will be what sustains me. 

So I smile and clap and tell you how amazing you are.  I laugh as you run into my arms after receiving the award for “Awesome Attitude” and I think again about how lucky I am to have such an adorable, funny and smart little cutie pie.  You snuggle into me and whisper “I love you” as I snuggle you back and kiss your forehead.

You perk up and scan the gym for the little boy you have a crush on and I laugh and lean over to Cassie to tell her who you are looking for.  She smiles and helps you look for him and I see the same love in her eyes for you that I feel and my heart swells. 

The celebration has ended and as we stand up, Colton tells me that you are the cutest little one there and I agree whole heartedly. 

Of course your brother and sister would be there to help celebrate this milestone.

The fact that I am living my best life, there was never any doubt.

Love Mom

xoxo